Born to attach, meant to grieve: the attachment-based nature of grief
Grief doesn’t end. It evolves.
As a therapist specializing in grief and loss, I often remind people: we don’t “get over” grief. We learn to live with it. Healing after loss isn’t a linear path—it’s a lifelong process of reorganizing your internal world after someone you love is no longer physically present.
Whether you’re coping with the death of a loved one, navigating perinatal grief, or mourning a significant life change, grief is not only emotional—it’s also neurological, biological, and relational. And above all, it’s deeply human.
Why we grieve: the biology of love and loss
Grief is, at its core, the cost of connection. When we form deep attachments, we create bonds that become part of our identity. According to attachment theory, we are biologically wired to connect. So when someone we love dies, it’s not just sadness we feel—it’s disorientation.
The brain struggles to reconcile that this person is gone. One part knows they have died; another part still expects to hear their voice or feel their presence. That’s your attachment system reaching for them—still wired to check in, seek comfort, and feel their existence.
This is why grief often shows up as yearning, dreams, or even “phantom” sensations.
Dopamine, yearning, and the grieving brain
Did you know that grief impacts your dopamine system?
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with reward and motivation. When we lose someone, our brain floods us with yearning—not just emotionally, but chemically. It's as if your system is still trying to “find” the person, to restore the bond.
But that bond can’t be restored in the same way. Instead, your nervous system must slowly adapt. This includes finding new forms of connection, new sources of emotional regulation, and new rhythms of being. This isn't about “replacing” anyone—it’s about ensuring your survival. And it’s a critical part of healing from grief.
The body’s response to grief
Grief isn’t just emotional. It lives in the body.
Studies show that within just a week of a loss, the risk of heart attack spikes significantly. Inflammation increases. Sleep is disrupted. Your body may have relied on the person you lost for co-regulation—emotionally and physiologically. Now, it has to learn how to regulate again, alone.
This is what people mean when they talk about the “broken heart.” It’s not just poetic. It’s biological.
If you’re feeling exhausted, anxious, numb, or unlike yourself, know that your grieving body is working hard to adjust to a new reality. And it needs nourishment, regulation, and support—not just emotionally, but physically.
The loss of ritual: grieving without a map
One of the reasons grief feels so disorienting today is that our culture has lost many of its mourning rituals. Traditions like the Irish wake, sitting shiva, or community funerals provided something powerful: a container for pain.
Today, we’re left to grieve in silence. There’s no structure. No modeling. No communal holding.
Without these frameworks, people are often unsure how to express their grief—or if what they’re feeling is even “normal.” They may feel pressure to move on quickly, or to hide their sadness. But grief doesn’t work that way. It needs space. It needs permission.
And it needs witnessing.
What healing from grief actually looks like
Grief doesn’t disappear. But over time, it becomes woven into the fabric of your life.
Healing means integrating the loss—not erasing it. It means learning to carry your grief in a way that honors the love that created it. You may still cry on certain days. You may still ache. But you will also begin to feel again, love again, and build a life that includes the person you lost in a new form.
Grief is a form of learning. A process of adaptation. A sacred reorganization of the heart.
If you’re navigating grief, whether it’s recent or long ago, I invite you to explore how therapy can support your healing. Click here to book a free 15-minute consultation .
